Thursday, August 8, 2013

Five Lessons From Mother

Shark Short #4.  Enjoy!

Five Lessons From Mother

As I sit and write this paper I am looking at my cat, Morgot, jump from the windowsill to my bed, then to my nightstand, and then flat on his face against the floor.  Never mind the fact that he's fat and clumsy, he's also dumb.  So dumb that I often find him staring at his own shadow for several minutes at a time.  He's 8 years old, he should have learned by now that he has a freakin' shadow.  But this has been my life.  I have learned many things in life that will help me one day, but the most important ones came from my mother.

My mother used to say, "Gracie," she would say, "you must learn these little lessons that nobody is going to teach you in life [I wish I knew why when I was a kid].  And one day, these will help you out of a tight spot."  So here, in all their glory, are my mother's top life lessons.  Read with caution.

1.  When you can't brush your teeth, chew on grass.  I don't know where she got this crazy idea, but my mother's first lesson did me no favors in elementary and middle school.  As a kid you tend to forget quite often to brush your teeth in the morning.  So I would confidently arrive at school and head straight for the grass.  I would drop to my knees and grab handfuls of it and shovel it into my mouth, chewing it for a few minutes, then spitting it out.  It never occurred to me that nobody else was doing this, and I would spend the entire day with green teeth. It wasn't until Mrs. Delaney saw me one morning in seventh grade that I learned the awful truth.  My reputation followed me through high school, and I was unaware of my nickname until a "typo" appeared under my picture my senior year, naming me "Grazer Feldman."

2.  If you run out of gas, get a man to pee in your tank.  Thanks mom, for that timeless piece of wisdom.  My car exploded, ok?  MY CAR EXPLODED.  The guy who peed in my tank?  Yeah, he had tried to warn me, but I assured him I knew what I was doing; I told him I had years of experience fixing cars.  I forced him to do it, even as he warned me that my engine would stop working if he showered it with gold.  I cheered him on, mother.  And worse, as my car burned to a crisp on the side of the highway, the guy - who was very cute, by the way - chuckled and told me it sucks to be me.  Then he asked me where I learned about cars.  I had to make up a ridiculous lie - I told him it was in Kantucker, Kentucky (where I was from - ?), and I was forced to tell him our cars ran on pee 'up them parts'.  Then I had to awkwardly ride in his car the whole way to the next town, 55 miles away.

3.  Get a cat.  Get several cats.  They are smarter than you, and if you want to get smart, you need to start spending time with others who are smarter than you.  Well, I already told you about Morgot, so we really don't need to go there, but my mom had two cats, "East" and "West"; so named because each one sat on one of her shoulders.  What I always wondered, though is if my mother was facing east or west, the cats should be named "North" and "South".  After raising Morgot, I realized how my mother got so smart.

4.  When you dance, always keep one hand on your waist - it keeps you looking feminine.  Oh, college.  Imagine seeing a girl who looks like the Chiquita banana lady on the dance floor every night.  I know, a woman with bananas on her head is not what college guys are looking for when they go out to a club.  Sure, I didn't really have bananas on my head, but dancing with my hand on my waist the entire time, did I really need bananas? 

5.  When you go to the beach, wear knee-high boots, it keeps the sharks from recognizing that you're alive.  Yeah, sharks and nearly every other living thing on the planet!  Not to mention how difficult it was to walk out of the ocean with boots full of water.  I just Googled "weirdos at the beach" for shats and gaggles and found TWELVE videos of myself, labeled "Return of the Living March of the Penguins".
Yes, that's ME waddling like Frankenstein's monster out of the water.  They have made an entire video series of me at the beach.  Different boots, same idiot.  Screw you sharks.  It's all your fault.

Now that I think about it, how am I still sane?  Anyway, if you ever catch yourself chewing on grass while you pee in your gas tank with a hand on your waist, a cat on your shoulders, and wearing knee-high boots, hit me up.  We could totally hang.